My favorite Sunday of the year is around the corner which means it’s time for another Super Bowl Survival Guide + Sexiest Players! This Super Bowl is a historical celebration of sorts because it marks the 50th year gorgeous hunks have been lining up on the field to throw a pig skin around. It also marks the 50th year ladies all over the world have been gaping at the TV for different reasons than their male counterparts. Meow.
So which team am I rooting for? Who cares! I’m just watching for the sexy men and the excuse to eat every dip on the table. Holler atcha girl guacamole!
This Sunday my favorite stud muffins will be served in a poo poo platter of Broncos and Panthers on the field and they’ll bring their A-game and spandex for the world to see. So read on for your dose of Super Bowl sexiness.
Quarterback · 1
We can’t talk about the Carolina Panthers without their number one man, Cam Newton. He is a fan favorite with his infamous touchdown dance moves being emulated on late night TV. He is entertaining to watch and sweet on the eyes. This hunk is so fine, he not only has a deal with Under Armor to show off his bod, but also with L’Oreal because people can’t get enough of this guy and his scent. But apparently he’s had enough of the media. According to a Fox Sports article Cam is “sick and tired” of answering the same questions regarding his sentiments for the big game on Sunday. I couldn’t agree more Cam. The media should as the hard hitting questions like when will you pose half buff for another Under Armor underwear campaign?
Linebacker · 59
Hi Luke. I almost didn’t feature you in this article because rarely pay attention to football and can’t differentiate between a linebacker and a cornerback. I didn’t know your name or that your biceps were bulging, but I’m so glad I found you because apparently you’re the man to keep Manning in check. Kuechly is a one-man wrecking crew, a stud who has led the NFL in tackles in two of his four seasons and won league Defensive Player of the Year honors in 2013. I like a guy who is on the honor roll. This smartypants is going to play a mental game of chess on the field to figure out Manning’s next move. Sounds mentally stimulating and enticing. I like playing games too Luke. I’m not sure what a linebacker does but if it’s playing chess then “checkmate” I’m all yours!
Tight End · 88
This woolly mammoth of a man has a beard with it’s own fan page and when the beard is tamed helloooo hotness. This blonde buff hottie machine is also Newton’s main bro on the field. When Newton is pressured by a rush, he completes 59 percent of his passes to Olsen. When he’s pressured and throws to somebody else, Newton completes just 38 percent of passes, according to ESPN. Clearly Olsen is trustworthy, beefy and oh so dreamy. I don’t blame Newton for picking Olsen as his main squeeze – who wouldn’t want to throw a pass at this stud?
Wide Receiver · 10
If smiles could kill then Emmanuel would have committed over a trillion crimes. This rock hard stud is known to turn frowns upside down with his charm and style. Emmanuel is the key to the Broncos offensive strategy. During the five and a half games Sanders played with fellow Brickellista Hot List recipient, Brock Osweiler, he caught 27 passes for 459 yards and two touchdowns. The Osweiler-to-Sanders combination yielded similar per-game numbers to his 2015 work with Manning. Which proves my theory that hottie on hottie action on the field is always a winning combination.
Quarterback · 17
Some say Brock Osweiler could double for Harry Potter’s Robert Pattinson, maybe, but Harry’s wand doesn’t compare to Brock’s guns. Wait not Harry? The vampire guy? Whoops, wrong British actor – they all look alike right?! Brock trumps all tween dreams because he’s the stuff fantasies are made of. This 6’8″ hottie can change a light bulb without a ladder and probably the only reason he’s still on the team. Brock hasn’t played much this season thanks to ball hog Peyton Manning, but like an enthusiastic pup he’s always ready to pounce. Rawr.
Rumor has it Brock will be the starting Quarterback in the Broncos 2016 season this is of course pending Manning’s retirement. Hopefully he will get his chance this Sunday, so we can all see this eye candy shine. Don’t worry Brock, you made my list this year which means all eyes will be on you this Sunday – just make sure you flex those guns you tall drink of water you.
Punter · 4
This proud daddy is hot on and off the field. He was also a little steamed this week because Britton found out that he was going to have to spend $1,800 to buy a seat for his one-week old baby girl. What?! He paid the price because he wants the memory of his child being present during the big game. He is such a sweetie which makes him even more swoon worthy.
Britton comes from a long line of punters. Who knew that was a thing right? His dad, uncle, brother, and cousin are all punters and the family tradition has paid off with Britton’s father taking home two Super Bowl rings. Could Britton be the next member of the Colquitt clan to bring home another ring? Only time will tell on this sexy gent.